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SLAWESY
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« Reply #1650 on: July 18, 2012, 08:40:46 PM » |
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Something to cheer you up on those rainy days from my mate Cam:-
Watch your wedding video backwards
The night starts with you getting laid, then you have a great time, good food and drink, you sober up without a hangover..then you'll love the end bit where you take off the ring, go back down the aisle and f#ck off with your mates...
Cheered me up...
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YZ125E, RM250T Is it way too small? A bit of work with the heat gun or hot water could soften it enough to fit if it's close. Maybe some rubber friendly grease as well. Mainline "classic" |
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SLAWESY
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« Reply #1651 on: July 18, 2012, 08:57:43 PM » |
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The Old Sailor & the Working Girl
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back.
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YZ125E, RM250T Is it way too small? A bit of work with the heat gun or hot water could soften it enough to fit if it's close. Maybe some rubber friendly grease as well. Mainline "classic" |
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pancho
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« Reply #1652 on: July 19, 2012, 07:59:54 PM » |
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I stayed up all night just to watch the sunset.
Then it dawned on me.
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dont follow me i'm probably off line!
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Rosco
Novice
Posts: 45
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« Reply #1653 on: July 22, 2012, 05:59:00 PM » |
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The wife left a note on the fridge.........
"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Moms!"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........
fork knows what she was on about!!
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TooFastTim
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« Reply #1654 on: July 27, 2012, 07:16:25 AM » |
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The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.
It's an armoured booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but WILL detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London ."
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TooFastTim
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« Reply #1655 on: July 27, 2012, 07:24:29 AM » |
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TM bill
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« Reply #1656 on: July 28, 2012, 12:49:04 PM » |
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Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance in the church basement.
Luiggi seizes this opportunity to wear
his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies,
'Yes, Luiggi , I do wear red panties tonight,
But how do you know?'
Luiggi answers,
'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.
How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,
' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers,
'Yes, Luiggi , I do,
But how do you know that?'
He replies,
'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.. ..
How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luiggi asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face
turns red...
He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,
Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,
Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
'Yes Luiggi , I wear no panties tonight...'
Luiggi gasps,
'Thanka God ....
I thought I had a CRACK in my
$300 Armani leather shoes....................!'.
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EML
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« Reply #1657 on: August 01, 2012, 05:29:21 PM » |
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I'm having to send this to you from the casualty ward by iPhone.
Apparently the Dyson Ball vaccum isn't what I thought it was!!
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worms
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« Reply #1658 on: August 02, 2012, 08:15:58 AM » |
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classic  thanks so much for the funnies guys, Worms |
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bigk
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« Reply #1659 on: August 02, 2012, 09:26:22 AM » |
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Talk about getting ripped off, I was watching Fox news the other night, not one story about foxes! False advertising.
K
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vandy010
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« Reply #1660 on: August 07, 2012, 11:01:09 AM » |
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A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger
congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation --- no one wanted him to
leave.
Sam Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up
and proclaims, ... 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a
new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Bob Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,
'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his
salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the
Preacher stays, . I will give him sex!'
There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs.
Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding
his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,... 'Screw him!'
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"flat bickie"
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vandy010
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« Reply #1661 on: August 07, 2012, 11:02:19 AM » |
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An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'
George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine!
But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'
'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!
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"flat bickie"
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gt96
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« Reply #1662 on: August 10, 2012, 03:03:57 PM » |
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I'm about to take part in the Great Lakemba Run. It's not an official race - I just stand in the city centre and shout, "Allah is a bastard", and then off we go....
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Oz just so that they can see their own doctor.
I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently, " A meal for two with a hairy view", is not the way to call No 69.
I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them - they said it would be just like winning the lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and, to my horror we had six matching balls!
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The instructors at Picton said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
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matcho mick
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« Reply #1663 on: August 12, 2012, 07:08:14 PM » |
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> THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
>
> Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
> husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
> telling me its not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
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> 'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
> paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.
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> Willing to try anything, I asked. 'How long will this take?'
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> They will grow larger over a period of years' my husband replies.
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> I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
> breasts every day will make my breasts grow larger over the years?
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> Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your arse, didn't it?
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> He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
> again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
> straw.
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work,the curse of the racing class!!
if a hammer dosn't fix it,you have a electrical problem!!
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TM bill
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« Reply #1664 on: August 16, 2012, 08:14:34 AM » |
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The human body has 7 trillion nerves.
My wife manages to get on every f-----g one of them!
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In August 2012 the UK Government will start shipping retards abroad so the country looks tidy for the Olympics.
My eyes watered at the thought of losing you.
Be strong. Take crayons :-)
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Knock knock.
Who's there?
"Doorbell repair man"
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The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home"
Susie says, "We need a computer"
Wendy says, "We need a car"
Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss"
Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"
"No Miss, my sister came home with her new Paki boyfriend and my Dad said 'That's all we f---ing need!'"
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My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it
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I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.
They're brilliant.
It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex...
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My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.
I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.
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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames Barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam
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I went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.
I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny"
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I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she love Alan, my best mate......
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A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you daft c**t !!!"
His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"
Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"
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Love is like a fart.
If you have to force it, it's probably shit.
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Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper. Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"
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Life is like a penis.
Soft and hanging freely.
It's women that make it hard
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I was getting chatted up by a bird last night.
She said, "Have you got a nickname?"
"Yes" I said, "They call me Sledge"
"OH... Is that because you a sleek and fast?" she giggled
"No...... It's because I get pulled by dogs!"
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Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!"
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I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"
"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"
That spider never knew what f******g hit it.
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The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's game have been found guilty of violent disorder and been deported back to England ..
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The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, "I think the romance in this relationship is dead"
I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a wank.
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A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.
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I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.
She says that it makes here sleepy and her bum sore.
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